Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
