I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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