I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
