Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
