someone threw a dead crab at me
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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