i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
