I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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