My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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