i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
