Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
