I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
