she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Your cock deserves a montage
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
