if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
