Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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