checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
