A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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