i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
