Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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