Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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