I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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