im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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