She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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