I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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