ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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