i'm lost and i look like a hooker
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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