I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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