Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
