Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
