I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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