I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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