i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
