Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
