Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
