So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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