You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
