She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
