: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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