Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
