You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
