i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
