He uses pillows to masturbate.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
