Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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