a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter