either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Randomize