so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
how does that bad decision feel?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
