I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
