my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
