I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
