He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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