I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
