I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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