I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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