If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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