AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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