no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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