Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
