bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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