I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
