After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
