i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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