i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
