I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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