dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
